Friends

October 8, 2025 / fgrtommo / 5 Comments

A couple of recent events have got me thinking about friends. Friendship is a nebulous and sometimes transitory thing. I looked up a definition on Wikipedia:

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. It is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an “acquaintance” or an “association”, such as a classmate, neighbour, coworker, or colleague.

Although there are many forms of friendship, certain features are common to many such bonds, such as choosing to be with one another, enjoying time spent together, and being able to engage in a positive and supportive role to one another.

Using that definition, I can see that I have been fortunate and have had a lot of friends in my life. I’ve been supported by, and enjoyed time with, friends at school, university, work and, now, in retirement. I have not felt the need for a lot of friends at any one time. I seem to prefer relatively deep friendships with a few rather than broad but shallower relationships with many.

Painting Depicting Friendship By Samuel Peploe (Scottish Colourist We Encountered In an Exhibition Of Scottish Colourists Earlier This Year) — *^{Painting Depicting Friendship By Samuel Peploe (Scottish Colourist We Encountered In An Exhibition at Dovecot Studios, Edinburgh Earlier This Year)}*

Having said that, two of my biggest life regrets are to have failed to keep in touch with any school friends and not making the most of a network of colleagues at work. I would like to know what some of my best mates at school are doing with their lives now and whether we still have things in common. And putting more effort into maintaining a network of work colleagues would have made my life in jobs, and between jobs, a little easier and, perhaps, more rewarding.

Two of my four main friends at university have died recently. The preparation for and conduct of a memorial service for one of these a few weeks ago, has been one of the events that has got me contemplating the value and meaning of friendship. Indeed, these deaths got me thinking more about mortality as well as friendship.

The remaining two best friends from my university era and I got together in London for lunch and a few beers to discuss our prospective speeches at our friend’s memorial service. There was a lot of catching up on what we were each doing, a bit of nostalgia and many funny reminiscences. But what struck me most was that, despite not meeting either of these guys for many months, we slipped into a shared history and conversation as if we talked together all the time.

We have been in contact with each other with varying degrees of intensity over 50 years and there have been many events together over that time. However, the other surprising thing for me was how much of that shared experience I have forgotten. As the old stories came out over the drinks, I could have sworn that I hadn’t been at several of the occasions that were being recalled. But the photos did not lie; I was usually there!

The memorial service itself was in Oxford. Jane and I were able to spend a very pleasant morning there before the memorial ceremony. Oxford centre was busy with tourists and a fresh batch of students. In a bit of free time, I visited the site of the old castle – a large mound next to the newer castle but one without good views across the city as I had hoped. I also strolled out of the crowds along the Oxford and Coventry canal and then through the pretty and interesting area of Oxford called Jericho. I had a very calming hour or so.

The ceremony in the Oxford Friends Meeting House was moving and the speeches (including my short one I think) were well received. Then we adjourned briefly to a packed pub and continued some of the reminiscences and the catching up with current lives. The whole process was very friendship affirming even though we had just lost a very good friend.

Post Memorial Service Catching Up — *^{Post-Memorial Service Catching Up}*

It’s been harder to keep up friendships with people I met during my 30 or so years in London since I moved completely out of the city a few years after retirement. I managed to stay in touch with a small group of friends in London who met every few months to work our way through the alphabet of cuisines. I made it to most of those sessions but they came to a natural end once we reached ‘Z’. I’ll need to redouble efforts to stay in touch with the participants.

Meanwhile, I have invested time in building up a new friendship group in and around our local village. And yes, building friendships does take effort and time. I have been lucky after moving to Gloucestershire post-retirement in that this is Jane, my wife’s, home territory. She has a large network of friends here and that provided a ready-made group of acquaintances.

Also, many of her family are based nearby. And, of course, family can be friends even though, apart from one’s partner, they are not chosen. Jane’s sister has recently moved to the local area and I’m looking forward to getting to know her and her husband a lot better as we become able to meet up more often. Plus, one of the things I am continually thankful for is that the relationships I have with my sons and their partners is akin to great friendships; I feel we both get on very well with them all.

My strongest local friendships have been built through my personal involvement in the local football team (Forest Green Rovers) and village events including Parish Council meetings, the Village Fete and Festival, the Pub Quiz and Crawl and, especially, the village’s Horsley Climate Action Network. These friendships may not have the longevity of some from my education or working life but they are some of the best.

Variable Weather During Prep For This Year's Village Fete — *^{Variable Weather During Prep For This Year’s Village Fete}*

This leads me onto the second recent event that got me thinking about friendship.

I am a frequent attendee at the local Talk Club (a session for men who generally don’t talk about feelings much, to talk about feelings). When this was on pause two summers ago, one of the other attendees and I decided that we would continue meeting up on walks. We would use these to keep tabs on each other thoughts and feelings and provide any support we could while enjoying the countryside, keeping our fitness up and providing custom to a few of the local pubs. That continued until my friend needed to go into hospital to have a fairly major operation.

*^{Peaceful, Sunny Scene On The Walk To A Friend}*

A month or so after that, I walked over to his neighbouring village to see him. It was a beautiful sunny day and a long leisurely walk. On the way, I was struck by how much I had missed him and had enjoyed our chats. Even after almost 70 years of making friends (and losing them again), it is still possible – indeed, easy – to make and maintain friends if one puts in the time and effort and are lucky enough to find people who are open, who listen as well as talk, and are fun to be with.

Life and Death

April 12, 2023 / fgrtommo / Leave a comment

Spring is definitely with us after a very wet March. We have April showers – it even snowed for a minute or two earlier today – and spring flowers. The cherry blossom is out and there are lambs in the fields.

^{One Of Many Cherry Trees In Full Bloom In The Local Area}

The birds are marking out their territory and gathering material for their nests. During just 15 minutes of my walk to my Food Bank duties in Stroud yesterday I switched on the Merlin bird identification app on my phone and detected (and sometimes saw) 20 different bird varieties (plus a seagull and a buzzard that didn’t squawk at the right time). Spring is such a busy time for these little home builders and it was relieving and lovely to hear that our rural pathways are still home to such avian diversity.

*^{Birds Heard In 15 Minutes During A Local Walk}*

The outside temperatures are gradually rising with the prospect of heatwaves to come. At Easter, when Youngest Son and Middle Son came to stay for a couple of days and the weather was sunny, we managed our first outdoor lunch of the year.

*^{Random Roadside Bulbs On The Way To Food Bank}*

Spring really is a season of new life and promise.

Except that, this spring, we are mourning the passing of Jane’s mother who died peacefully last week in the care home we had all come to love and respect. Her death came as no surprise after a steady decline hastened by a fall but of course there is mood of sadness around the family. Easter and its Bank Holiday’s was a convenient pause for Jane to enable reflection on her relationship with her Mum before getting stuck into the administration of funeral arrangements. Death brings sadness but also a need for clear thinking about the fall out. Death balances out life.

Before the funeral we are off to Edinburgh to see Eldest Son, his partner and First Grandchild. That will be a great distraction and an antidote for Jane to the last couple of weeks of focus on looking after her Mum and then the mourning of her passing. Of course, discussions about Jane’s Mum and the making of funeral arrangements will continue, but it will be in the company of a little grandchild who will demonstrate as vividly as possible that life goes on.

A few days of tiny, effervescent youth and spring; what could be better!

Three Property Purchases and a Funeral

December 19, 2022 / fgrtommo / 1 Comment

Last month we went to a funeral for a very popular, lovely, family man almost 10 years younger than me. He had died suddenly leaving his family and friends shocked and bereft. It was an absolutely packed and emotional church service – he was a terrific guy who was enormously popular – followed by an equally packed reception. The whole occasion was very moving and I have thought about it a lot since.

Of course, the overriding feeling during the service and afterwards was sadness that it represented a life cut short, especially as he was so full of life, he had looked so well and was so obviously a vital part of his family, the organisation he worked for and his local community. However, the speeches and readings at the funeral were largely an uplifting celebration of his life. There were many amusing anecdotes and also a lovely poem by David Harkins that provided a positive slant on death that gave a little boost even in such a sad situation.

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Into this mix of shock, sadness and a celebration of a life well lived, was a feeling of being the recipient of good fortune in that I am still here and reasonably healthy. I have seen three sons settle with three delightful partners and seen Eldest Son produce a wonderful child with his wife. And, this year, I’ve seen all three sons purchase homes with their partners that are each very different but which seem very well suited to each pair; a flat in Edinburgh, a terrace house in Bristol and a semi-detached house in Belfast.

Old age may bring aches, pains and worse but it is a privilege to have had longevity to be able to see our sons grow and establish themselves in the world, to be happy and to establish a platform into which they could introduce new life. As I stood in the crowded church at the funeral, I thought: lucky me.

*^{Late Afternoon Walk With Middle Son And His Partner Near Their New Home In Bristol}*

Even as Christmas approaches and we look forward to hosting our sons and their partners at various times over the Christmas period, Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) and I are starting to think about making the most of our time with a few trips next year. First, we want to get to Belfast to see Youngest Son’s new house but we will be trying to visit Edinburgh too and, I hope, spending smaller but more numerous fragments of time in nearby Bristol. Plus, after a few years of abstinence, we want to travel abroad again.

Meanwhile, I continue to potter through my local routine of walking, shopping, cooking, and working a bit for the local Climate Action Network and Food Bank. In recent cold, clear weather, the local walks have been a real treat.

Plus, of course, I have been watching a lot of football at the World Cup. Qatar may have been a crazy choice for a number of reasons but the overall quality of the football has been great. For all the concern about the Qatari views on LGBTQ rights and workers rights, it has been a pleasant change to see the joyous, ebullient crowds in the stadia in contrast to the thuggery and tears at Wembley at the Euros a couple of years ago.

My normal routine was also interrupted but enhanced by a trip to Lewes in Sussex. I tagged along with LSW who wanted to visit a specific shop called Freight there. It was a long way to travel for a shop but it was very much LSWs thing and Lewes is a very attractive town.

*^{Harvey’s Brewery And St Michael’s Church, Lewes}*

Harvey’s brewery is based in the town and the smell of hops was delightful as we walked down the high street. It is a smell that reminds me of my home town of Reading which was the home of Courage breweries in my youth. I love it.

After a very good value and pleasant lunch at Bill’s, LSW and I split up for a bit. While LSW surveyed the shops, I wandered around the town’s castle and gardens. The gardens are a bit bleak at this time of year but the weather was fine and the views from the visitor-friendly castle were pretty impressive in all directions.

*^{Views Of And Views From Lewes Castle}*

Since getting back home, the weather has been very cold and then surprisingly snowy. We had about seven inches of snow and it stuck around for almost a week. My Yaktrax Ice Grips allowed me to continue my normal round of walks to and from the local towns and the frost and snow made the local countryside en route even prettier than usual. A week of such weather is, though, enough in my book; I am looking forward to temperatures rising a little bit before Christmas.

*^{Frosty Weather In Nearby Ruskin Mill Valley}*

And so on to Christmas! Hopefully our sons and their partners will be able to avoid the issues caused by strikes and weather to make it down to us from their various new abodes. Then we can feel so lucky all over again…..

*^{A Cold And Not-So-Lucky Grey Heron In Ruskin Mill Valley}*

Remember, Remember

November 12, 2018 / fgrtommo / Leave a comment

The week has been busy and I have had a number of interactions with the United Kingdom’s national commemoration of the armistice at the end of the First World War on 11 November 1918.

Illuminated Commemorative Poppies In Our Local Town, Nailsworth

When I was in Lincoln last weekend I saw rehearsals for a memorial ceremony while I visited the cathedral.

Remembrance Service Choir Practice At Lincoln Cathedral

Then, at the football match I went to see in Lincoln, there was a pre-match rendition of The Last Post, a minute’s silence and a collection by, amongst others, a man dressed as a huge poppy. There was a similar pre-match marking of the armistice when I went to Oxford United’s stadium for another football game there. On both occasions, the bugle playing was eerie and moving as the notes swirled around the windy stadia.

Remembrance Ceremonies At Oxford (Top) And Lincoln Football Grounds Prior to Matches With Forest Green Rovers

During my visit to London last week to see a band with Middle Son (MS), I also fitted in a visit to the ‘Beyond the Deepening Shadow’ installation at the Tower of London. This consists of 10,000 hand-lit memorial flames and it was as impressive as the installation of bright red poppies spewing out of the Tower of London a few years ago. The flames are a remarkable and imaginative way of marking the end of the First World War and the sacrifice of so many soldiers during its execution.

The scale of that sacrifice became even starker to me as I visited another exhibition – ‘Shrouds of the Somme’ – at the Olympic Park to the east of London. In contrast with the Tower of London exhibition where the crowds were enormous and the queues were hours long, the Olympic Park exhibition was very accessible and there was more time to think about what I was seeing.

1st World War Commemoration At The Olympic Park, London.

The main display here consisted of 72,396 shrouded figures – one for each of the British Commonwealth servicemen killed at the Somme whose bodies were not found – laid out in rows across a field. There was then a separate set of the same shrouded figures – one for each day of the First World War – labelled with the number of servicemen killed on each day. It was a very impactful exhibition.

The numbers of dead in the First World War are quite well known but still incomprehensible. The 72,396 are just the dead whose bodies were not recovered mainly because they were simply fragmented and lost in the mud. The 953,104 total dead represented at the Olympic Park are just those from the UK and the Commonwealth. The 9 million soldiers from all nations who died were far outnumbered by the more than 20 million wounded and beyond that there was mental scarring beyond understanding. It was a crazy, horrific war.

The nationwide commemoration and remembrance of the First World War – the centrepiece exhibitions I saw in London, the faces of soldiers etched on beaches around the country I saw on the TV news, the processions and the local displays and events, including a poignant and unexpectedly long roll call of the war-dead in our own little village – has all been very impressive and moving. At the Olympic Park especially, I had time to reflect on the importance of remembering the disaster of past wars and avoiding a repeat. The current rise of nationalism on both sides of the Atlantic makes the lessons of the past especially timely. Unfortunately, it is one thing to remember the lessons and another to act on them.

On a jollier note, MS and I had a really good time watching Roosevelt, a German electro-pop artist. I can’t recall smiling so much during a musical performance. The music is straightforward and the next note always seems exactly as anticipated – does that make it predictable or just perfect? Either way, we both had great fun seeing Roosevelt again.

Roosevelt At Oval Space, London

Co-incidentally, he is from Cologne where we are having a Christmassy city-break next month. However, we went to dinner last night with a couple who are fascinated by bio-dynamic agriculture, the annual equinox cycle and creativity tied into the seasons. As usual, the discussions were fascinating but they didn’t want to talk about Christmas or our Christmas market visit until next month. Instead they wanted to continue focus on the joys of autumn. They are right; the autumnal weather is still good and the colour on the trees and bushes remains marvellous. Autumn is still out there waiting to be enjoyed.

I make no excuse for including yet another set of pictures from my walk into town this morning. I am privileged to have the opportunity to enjoy these walks every day.

Autumn Views And Colour On My Walk Into Town

Lincoln And Parental Visit

November 8, 2018 / fgrtommo / Leave a comment

Long-Suffering Wife (LSW) assures me that I went to Lincoln with her over 30 years ago. My degrading memory apparently doesn’t stretch to that. So, when I visited Lincoln last weekend, it felt fresh and surprising.

River Witham in Lincoln

The cathedral was bigger, taller and more imposing than I had imagined. The hill up to the cathedral tested my fitness more than I anticipated. The medieval castle walls, around what is now a rather impressive Victorian prison, were more intact and offered better views than I expected. It is a lovely city centre built on a hill by people who understood the dangers of flooding and the benefits of a prominent position in low, flat countryside.

Lincoln Cathedral From The Castle Walls

I was in Lincoln to support my football team – Forest Green Rovers (we played very well but lost narrowly and unluckily to the league leaders). I took the opportunity to combine a bit of footy away travel with a visit to my parents in Nottingham. It was great to catch up with them, to check on how they are doing, and to sample a local restaurant with them.

Views of Lincoln, The Castle Walls And The Prison

We also progressed some recent discussion I have had with them about my family tree. My Dad has already done a fair amount of work on his side of the family but my Mum’s side is largely blank at the moment and I want to investigate and document that more fully. So far, all I have done is translate my Dad’s investigations and free text notes into a PowerPoint graphic. I’m not sure how far I can go but I am thinking that fleshing out the family tree will give me an excuse to revisit my Dad’s roots around Kintbury in rural Berkshire, and my Mum’s on the Isle of Wight.

While I was with my parents I also followed up on my desire – as I mentioned here a few weeks ago following attendance at a couple of funerals – to document my preferences for my, and my parents’, funerals. As expected, I got some good ideas for classical music selections from my Dad.

I got some very useful pointers on what to think about in a blog comment from an old friend who had had similar recent funeral experiences. I have used that as a starting point for a simple spreadsheet structure listing things like preferred coffin type, flowers (or not), music, readings, speakers etc. I will use this to document the things that will help guide organisers of my funeral, and that of my parents, when the time comes. It sounds morbid to be thinking of this now but I think this is bound to help those who follow at a time when they will be stressed.

Back at home, I have been working increasingly diligently through my day to day to do list. However, as mentioned last blog post, I have strained something in my side – is it getting better or am I just getting used to it I wonder – and that has restricted me to only light physical activity and little gardening.

I have, though, had sitting-on-the-sofa time to finish reading the Milkman by Anna Burns. I can see why it won the Booker Prize. It’s difficult to recommend it since it is so unconventional. It has page-long paragraphs filled with snatches of dialogue and long sentences that are written as one thinks and talks rather than as one normally writes. But it is very relevant given the current issues around female abuse, fake news and the potential Brexit threat to the Good Friday Agreement in Ireland. Ultimately, I enjoyed it a lot and so I do recommend it.

I’m now choosing my next book to read and then heading off on a brief trip to London. Centrepiece for that is a gig with Middle Son (MS). Nothing like a bit of Europop to elevate the spirits…..

Funerals and Films

October 19, 2018 / fgrtommo / 2 Comments

Hints of the wonderful summer just passed have continued to tinge our descent into autumn with further spells of warm and sunny weather in among the wetter, greyer autumnal days.

View From A Neighbourhood Walk Today: Wonderful Mid Autumn Day With Beginnings Of Autumn Colour

My almost daily walks into the local town seem to have new colours to offer every day. Although I loved my first full summer of retirement, especially as it was so marvellous weather-wise, I am now looking forward again to the difference autumn then winter brings.

Autumn Views On The Walk To Town

The last couple of weeks have been relatively quiet as we have slipped into the cosiness of darker evenings in front of the wood-burner. However, I have managed to fit in another trip to London. Unfortunately, the prime reason for the visit was a funeral. In fact, I attended two funerals in two days – one in Gloucester, for a much-liked neighbour, and the other in Essex. These were the first I had attended for a couple of years and I had forgotten how emotionally draining they are even when not for the very closest friends or family.

As in other activities, retirement has brought a new flexibility in being able to properly celebrate the lives of those who have died. I was honoured to be invited and be able to attend both funerals and to hear recollections of both who had passed away.

The second funeral was for the father of my Best Man (BM). I had met him and his wife a few times including at a couple of key life events: my university graduation and my engagement to Long-Suffering Wife.

Through a few quirks of coincidence, my marriage proposal to LSW took place at BM’s parents’ house about 35 years ago during a small get together with them and some close friends. The details are a blur now. But I do recall, with some embarrassment then and now, how the best laid plans ended up with me handing LSW some flowers and my proposal of marriage in the upstairs bathroom/toilet (that’s where BM and I had hidden the flowers!). That wasn’t as romantic as planned but I also fondly recall us returning downstairs together with the flowers and beaming faces for the celebrations (highly justified as it has turned out!)

Attending these funerals has underlined for me the importance of doing at least some advance planning for these events so as to ensure that those likely to need to make the arrangements know one’s preferences. In general, I don’t much care what happens at my funeral; I’ll not be there. However, I am going to write down a few preferred dos and don’ts. For example, I’d like cremation, a sustainably produced coffin, minimal or no religion, nice music, and pictures on the order of service. I have some time, I hope, to set out my preferences but funerals (as if retirement hasn’t done so already) do bring home that life is absolutely finite; so I’m going to get on with writing down my guidance.

More positively, I have seen a few films recently. LSW and I saw The Wife (very well acted, especially by Glenn Close) and A Star Is Born (tremendous entertainment and potentially Oscar winning performances from Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper). Also, I saw First Man (excellent technical effects) with Eldest Son (ES) while I stayed in London with him.

Additionally, ES often treats me to off kilter, downloaded films when I stay with him and this time was no exception. Last month when I was in London, we saw The Endless (compellingly memorable, thought provoking and strange) and saw You Were Never Really Here (just strange) this time. I love cinema almost as much as ES so these times with him, when we see films outside of the mainstream, are a good joint pleasure to enhance my London trips.

Another positive has been my transformation of the fruits of our crab apple tree crab apple jelly. The jelly is a rather unusual texture – even more jelly-like than normal. But, I did make it on my own, I love the colour, and its tastes great. I’m pretty proud of it. Here is a picture of the apples on the tree and the resultant jars of jelly.

Crab Apple Tree

Hand Crafted (By Me) Crab Apple Jelly

My Retirement Journey

I've Retired! What Next?

Death